How to Cope with the Loss of a Loved One

We can all agree that losing someone dear to us is similar to losing a part of ourselves. Loss is often a life-altering event that impacts all aspects of our lives; we feel like nothing will ever be the same again.

 

In the course of life, we will lose family, friends and acquaintances, as death is sadly a universal and inevitable process that every person will eventually go through, and thus is personally relevant to each individual.

Even though everyone experiences it, no one knows for certain what happens on the other side. Humans have always seen death as a “mysterious phenomenon.” Many cultures have developed their own conceptions and theories about what it is and what it truly means considering the difficulty to have a unitary view of it.

 There are many unanswered questions related to it and a significant incapacity to grasp and understand them, especially in the search for answers to “What happens after death?”.  It’s a metaphysical question, the answer to which no one can know even today, though many people refer to religion to solve some of the mystery.

 

Many people suffer from some level of death anxiety, also known as thanatophobia, and it is a normal part of the human condition. However, for some people, thinking about their death or the death of their loved ones can cause intense feelings of anxiety and fear. Fear of losing a loved one tends to be present even in those who do not particularly fear their own death, and research appears to show that the separation from another is the most fear-inducing element of death, rather than the experience itself. The uncertainty of what comes after for one’s loved one and the fact that death is irreversible and final seem to be the major contributors to this phenomenon.

 

Coping with the loss of a loved one is often one of the most difficult and life-changing events that one can go through. We will most likely feel sad, bitter, anxious, in disbelief, sleepless and like everything fell apart.

 

After experiencing that kind of loss, we grieve. Grief is considered a normal and natural human response to death and it is a deeply personal experience; each person goes through it in their own way and at their own pace. There is no right and wrong way to grieve. It is simply a process that may differ greatly from one individual to another. It is largely affected by different factors such as personality, life experience, faith and the significance of the relationship to the person lost. The process’ duration may also differ from one case to another. While some people start doing better within a few weeks, others can have a more challenging experience.

 

In order to cope with grief, we first have to understand it.

 

The stages of grief

 

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, a psychiatrist, worked on and introduced the “Five stages of grief” in 1969. These stages were derived from her personal experiences in her work, initially with patients facing terminal illnesses. A few years later, these stages of grief were broadened and are nowadays referred to in other situations than facing one’s own mortality, i.e. other negative life changes and losses, such as the death of a loved one, a breakup, a divorce, a miscarriage, losing a job or even retirement. The steps as commonly defined are as follows:

 

1. Denial: Being the first stage of grief, denial is the feeling that the negative event, death in this context, did not actually occur. It is a refusal to accept the facts and is generally mixed with a state of shock, especially when the death was unexpected. The more sudden and unexpected death is, the stronger the shock and denial. The reactions may vary: losing someone unexpectedly and suddenly is not the same as losing a person who passed after a long battle with illness for example.

We try to push away this sad news and think to ourselves “this never happened, it cannot be.” Sometimes the news is so overwhelming that we will believe only that which we choose to accept.

Denial is a normal reaction to loss in the early stages and its duration may vary from one person to another, though it should not extend beyond a feasible time given the circumstances.

 

2. Anger: Once we are no longer in a state of denial, and the reality of the loss is

processed, it is very easy for us to feel angry. We may often find ourselves wondering why the deceased person left or abandoned us. We try to blame someone else; such as the medical staff, family members, and sometimes even God. We wonder why this is happening to us, how we will go through it, and how difficult it would be. We are angry at the extent of the pain that we feel and angry that life will never be the same again now that our loved one is gone. This feeling of anger can also be a result of emptiness, unsafety and loneliness.

The phase of anger is often accompanied by the need to speak about how we feel, and confiding in someone we trust is a great way to be able to deal with it.

 

3. Bargaining: Bargaining can be described as the “stage of negotiations”. We will do anything to bring the loved one back. Usually, this type of “negotiation” happens with ourselves, a higher being or God, depending on the beliefs of the person. We ask for the deceased person to be brought back, and we offer something in return, such as being a better person. Bargaining is a strategy to cope with the pain and feelings of helplessness experienced after the loss. 

 

4. Depression: This is when the full impact of the loss catches up. We may become too sad to do anything once we realize that things can’t be changed or undone. The depression stage is often the longest and the most overwhelming part of the grieving process. 
   However, it is not the same as the “depression” that we know colloquially. With grief, depression symptoms usually fluctuate or come in waves. People at this stage avoid social settings, but it is easy for them to accept support from their loved ones, unlike for sufferers of clinical depression. The person affected by it might still be able to function normally; going to work or school and keeping busy, which often helps them cope. Some people on the other hand may experience more severe symptoms, more similar to those of clinical depression, and it is essential to seek medical help if that is the case.

 

5. Acceptance: Acceptance is the fifth and last stage of grief. We feel like we are doing better and that things are eventually falling into place.

True acceptance happens once we can entirely acknowledge the loss and focus more on the good memories that we shared with our loved ones and cherish them, all while being able to enjoy today and look forward to tomorrow.

 

Though Kübler’s findings majorly contributed to the understanding of what people go through during grief, several other theorists have criticized her work. It has been argued that the stages of grief are not linear and that some people are much more resilient than others, that they vary from person to person, and depend on the kind of relationship we had with the deceased person. As an example, if the relationship with them was rather “difficult”, grief can take up different forms or dimensions and might be processed differently depending on how we feel about it. 

 

Moving on

 

Mourning the loss of a loved one can be very challenging. However, there are different ways to cope with it and move on, even when it is difficult.

 

Talking about it and reaching out: This is an important step as it helps us grasp and understand the event and identify our emotions.

Some people tend to avoid interaction and isolate themselves, which is disruptive to the healing process. Reaching out to our support system, whether it’s family or friends, will help us get better and organize our thoughts. It is beneficial to spend time with the people who are close to us by sharing feelings, thoughts and emotions.

 

Accepting the feelings: When dealing with the loss of someone dear to us, we tend to experience different emotions all at once, and that is normal. It’s crucial to recognize these feelings and identify them, even if they are overwhelming. Once we do, it becomes easier to move on to accepting them.

At times, the negative feelings can be very intense and overwhelming. This is when it might be helpful to talk to a mental health professional, especially if we feel like we cannot cope and get back on track.

 

 

Caring for oneself and loved ones: It’s important to care for oneself. Grief can and often does negatively affect the body. It may be hard for us to eat, sleep, be active or enjoy the activities that we normally take pleasure in. Caring for ourselves can consist of small routines that are good for us, such as exercising, eating healthy, and getting enough sleep and rest. It’s also important for us to make sure that our loved ones going through the same thing are getting the care they need and taking the necessary steps to be healthy.

 

Remembering and celebrating our loss: It can help greatly to remember and honour our lost loved ones. Cherishing the memories we have with them and keeping them close is an important step towards healing, even if we feel bitter.

 

 

            It’s important to note that death, even though sad and scary, plays a very important role in our understanding of life and ability to evaluate it. We can learn more than we may think about life through death.

According to many, the way to have a good death is to have a good life. However, not everyone can lead a good life. According to Ware, people in their last days usually show regrets as they do a “review of their life” and reflect on their accomplishments. It has been found that the regrets mainly revolve around not living a life true to themselves, working too much, not expressing their feelings, not spending enough time with their loved ones and not letting themselves be happier.

It’s important to feel like we have led a meaningful life full of purpose, value and personal growth. Perhaps this can be achieved by honouring our lost loved ones and not repeating the mistakes that they have made.

By:      Yasmine Hamrouni