Children Future between Authority and Autonomy

Becoming a parent is often said to be one of the most crucial events in life. 

Considered to be one of life’s joys, having children is a "journey" many couples look forward to and anticipate. However, many would also say that parenting is one of the most complex challenges anyone can face. It is especially true nowadays when our lifestyles and accepted parenting styles are changing. 

 

A brief history of childhood in different Eras

Beliefs and practices regarding good parenting have varied throughout history and through generations. For instance, your grandparents alive today were likely not raised the same way that you were. Historically, families were larger on average than they are now due to various reasons like a high rate of child mortality. 

 

The roles assigned to each parent were more specific and rigid in most places and cultures: the mother looks after the children as their primary caretaker, while the father, as the head of the household, has the role of disciplining the children. Then, it was acceptable and customary for the parents to "command and control" their children and they were expected to be submissive and obedient. 

 

During medieval times, there was no genuine concept of childhood as it is today. Instead, children were “miniature adults.” According to Philippe Ariès, this can be seen in old paintings from the 15th and 16th centuries, where children look and dress like adults and do not have unique clothing, food, or space. 

 

Children were even punished the same way as adults when they did something wrong. Childhood was considered a phase where children can't care for themselves to any extent. But as soon as they could, they would become included with adults. 

 

In the 1800s, most of the world witnessed the rise of child labor during their industrial revolutions. Children were forced to work in miserable and dangerous conditions, often leading to injuries and sometimes even death. After the industrial revolution and the emergence of the first child protection organizations, children ceased to be seen primarily as a source of economic growth. The concept of childhood thus began to change- as a consequence of industrial development and urbanization.  

 

Later, in the early 20th century institutions were created for children to become “literate” citizens-thereby encouraging education and learning. In this context, children were seen as vulnerable and weak, making parents feel the need to not only protect them but also discipline them.

 

Discipline often took the form of beatings and punishments, which at the time were tolerated and widely used methods to raise children. In the 1920s, children and parenting became a topic of interest for several researchers and psychologists. More studies and theories started emerging. 

 

In 1958, John Bowlby revolutionized parent-child relationships with his attachment theory. He insisted on the importance of the child-parent bond, as he considered it vital. According to him, both mothers and children have an instinctive and biological need for proximity, and the attachment that children have for their “attachment figure” is crucial for their survival. 

 

If the attachment fails or breaks during the first few years of life, the child may suffer; long-term cognitive, social, emotional, and developmental difficulties. In their research, Bowlby and Ainsworth observed and studied the behavior of children and their attachment patterns. The study showed that there are mainly 3 types of attachment: secure attachment, ambivalent-insecure attachment, and avoidant-insecure attachment. 

 

For Bowlby, the child-mother bond in the first years of life impacts the attachment style of the child, and it will, later on, affect their relationship with themselves and others. The attachment style can remain the same during a lifespan, and it can also be modified as a result of some life events that affect the person, such as marital life, loss, trauma, and others.

 

The Present: Parenting styles and their Effects through Baumrind’s Opinion

Parenting styles can differ from one family to another, and specifics can vary within each style. Each style has its approach or characteristics, and the one used can depend on the culture, philosophy, and personal circumstances of the parents. Each style is also more or less likely to lead to definite outcomes for the child’s development.

 

The Authoritarian Parenting Style

“Because I said so!” This style is mostly about authority, obedience, and maintaining order and control. The parents usually set rules and expect the children to follow them without question or exception. When rules are broken, authoritarian parents set harsher punishments to enhance obedience. The communication between the parent and the child usually lacks clarity and usually revolves around attempts to shape the child into what the parents’ desire, such as what to do, how to behave, how to dress, and what to study. 

 

The parents think they are doing what’s best for their children and protecting them. And for some, it’s a sign of love, care, and dedication.

 

 The children raised with this style may find themselves unable to make their own decisions and take responsibility for their actions, rather than depending on and seeking validation from others. They often grow up less confident and socially less skilled, showing hostility, excessive shyness, and even aggression towards their surroundings.

 

At the same time, children who grow up with authoritarian parents tend to perform well academically, possibly a result of their parents' high demands. Other children, however, can’t free themselves from the anger or resentment they might feel towards their parents, resulting in them rebelling against the rules and finding freedom in sneaking and lying to avoid punishments. 

 

The Permissive Parenting Style

To avoid infringing on a child’s autonomy, some parents use this style, allowing the child to structure their daily life more or less on their own, with few restrictions and rules if any. The child is supported and accepted regardless of its actions, sometimes even if they are aggressive or destructive. 

 

Children are allowed to do as they please and are rarely if ever reprimanded, and rarely have demands put upon them. This style can lead to the child developing characteristics that limit them in their future, such as:

• poor self-control
• lack of effective coping mechanisms
• an inability to handle everyday situations 

 

This can be the outcome of permissive parents not putting enough effort into discouraging poor choices, and bad or even good behavior. As very few expectations are required, the children often lack persistence when tasks are hard to accomplish, and their academic performance often suffers. 

 

The Indifferent Parenting Style

Children raised with this parenting style are, similarly to the Permissive style, rarely directed or restricted in any way. In contrast, however, parents using this style do not follow the philosophy of letting children do as they please. But do not concern themselves much with the child and its life generally. 

 

The parents do not know or care about what the child wants, needs, or does and choose to focus on their own lives and circumstances. In some cases, this parenting style can be considered neglectful and negligent. Children raised in this manner often lack control over their emotions. They exhibit antisocial behavior and often become delayed or deficient in their mental and social development, which leads to less academic and social success. 

 

These issues persist and accumulate throughout childhood into young adulthood and beyond. Drug use, alcohol consumption, and delinquency tend to occur more frequently and from a younger age than in children raised with other parenting styles. It has consistently been shown that out of the four patterns, indifferent parenting is the most damaging for a child’s development in the long term.

 

 

 

 

The Authoritative Parenting Style

 Authoritative parenting is like democracy and is known for encouraging the child to be autonomous and independent. Based on acceptance and warmth, this parenting style favors open communication between the child and the parents. It also relies on a reciprocal dialogue and exchange where both parties' opinions and feelings are considered, and discipline is performed by integrating the child’s point of view. 

 

This may lead to high self-esteem, better social skills, and higher general competency. Children raised this way often do well academically, are socialized, and are generally happier. Because the parents give their child some level of autonomy and compromise on the demands they make while explaining their reasoning, the child develops more independence, social understanding, and self-control. This method has consistently shown to be the most beneficial parenting style for a child’s development. 

Conclusion

Parenting can be difficult, but its effects on a child’s development cannot be overstated. Different parenting styles can widely give different outcomes and give children better or worse chances to become healthy, productive members of society. Research points to the authoritative style as the most beneficial and the indifferent style as the worst. 

 

Still, the common factors in setting your child up for success as a parent are; engagement with your child, setting rules and expectations, but also allowing them to think for themselves, and giving some degree of autonomy so they can structure themselves to the world around them. 

 

By: Yasmine Hamrouni (psychologist)